Needing The Memories (The Rocker...Novella #1) Read online

  “Jess, please…” Layla crossed the room and wrapped her arms around him. “I’ll fix this. I swear I will. It won’t happen again.”

  He was stiff for nearly a full minute before he blew out a frustrated breath and wrapped her up in his arms. “I just worry about her, Lay. She struggles so much with…” His face tightened and he didn’t say the words that we all knew were going through his head. “It scares the hell out of me.”

  “I know, babe. I know because it scares me too.”

  After the tense scene in the kitchen, most of our guests quickly left. Layla and Natalie had wanted to follow after Lucy and Harris, but Angel had talked them into waiting until the next day. Lucy needed tonight with Harris to tell him what was going on, and I didn’t doubt for a second Harris would lay into his stepmother as soon as he saw her once he knew how much strain Lucy had been under lately.

  It took a little longer to get Cole out of the house, but he only stayed long enough to tuck the girls into bed. For all his faults, Cole Steel was a great grandfather and he doted on my daughters almost as much as I did. His relationship with Angel had gotten easier over the years and I was glad that she had her father in her life, even if I’d wanted to kill the fucker when I first found out who he was.

  After he was gone, I stayed downstairs, cleaning up the family room so Angel wouldn’t have to the next day. Once it was put back together I climbed the stairs but found myself hesitating outside our bedroom door. I ached to go inside and crawl into bed with my beautiful wife, but I couldn’t take another step.

  I ran shaking fingers through my hair as a strong craving for a bottle of Jack pressed down on me like a mountain. I didn’t deserve the life I had. I didn’t deserve to get to sleep in the same bed with Angel every night and wake up with her each morning. I didn’t deserve this amazing life with her.

  Not after what I’d done to her.

  Not after what I’d stolen from her.

  Not after I couldn’t ever fucking remember a single second of it.

  “Fuck,” I breathed as I pressed my forehead against the cold wood of the bedroom door. I wanted a drink. Was so desperate for one that I was starting to shake. I fought with the cravings every day, but they were the worst the closer to that damn anniversary. As each minute ticked by, bringing me closer and closer to the day that I’d nearly destroyed me and Angel, the need to drink away the memories grew stronger and stronger.

  So far, in the fourteen years since it had happened, I’d been able to fight the need to drink. I’d found the will to not turn to the bottle as I had once done to numb the pain and the self-loathing that had once been my constant companion. Angel and our girls had become my reason for staying sober and I would fight to the death to stay that way. But lately, those cravings had been almost too much for me to bear. With each year that passed these feelings got worse and worse. I knew that if I didn’t do something this year, that the next one I’d lose the battle.

  I would lose it all.

  I heard her soft footsteps on the other side of the door and lifted my head only a second before it opened. She stood on the other side in her thin pink pajama pants that had little bears on them and a simple pink tank top that clung to her braless tits and bared an inch or two of her flat stomach. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail that made my fingers itch to pull free. Her beautiful face was makeup free, but to me she was as glamorous like this as any fucking supermodel any day of the week.

  I pushed aside all the bad shit in my head that had been trying to beat me into the ground and only let the love I felt for this angel free. She was mine, something I had to remind myself of daily, but I’d always try and be the man she deserved even if I knew I wasn’t.

  Her whiskey-brown eyes were full of the same love and, not for the first time, I wondered how she could love me so fully, so endlessly, after all the shit I’d put her through. “That must have been a hell of a mess the guys left down there,” she murmured with a grin. “Maybe we should call a cleaning service and send my dad the bill.”

  A lump filled my throat at the sight of her smile. That mysterious one that I’d been trying to perfect on paper from the moment I’d first laid eyes on her but still hadn’t been able to accomplish. I probably never would, but that was okay. As long as I had the real thing to look at every day for the rest of my life, I was completely fine with it.

  “Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” I bent and lifted her into my arms.

  “Dray,” she squealed softly, kicking her long legs as she laughed. Fuck, I loved that laugh.

  “I think we need to pick up where we left off this morning, don’t you?” I dropped her in the middle of our bed, chuckling when she bounced once, but the laughter quickly died, turning into a burning inferno deep in my gut as I watched her tits bounce. My dick throbbed against the zipper of my jeans and I quickly pulled them off before I followed her down onto the bed.

  As I settled between her spread legs, her laughs turned into sultry moans. “Yes,” she whispered fiercely. “Please, Dray. I want you so much.”

  “What do you want?” I demanded as I licked her bottom lip.

  “You. Inside me. Now.” Her fingers stroked through my hair, tangling in the long length, holding me in place effortlessly. “Today lasted too long, babe. I need you in me.”

  I was reaching for the end of her shirt, dying to feast my hungry eyes on her beautiful tits, when the door opened. Heavenleigh walked in, her face pale as she held her arms over her stomach. “I don’t feel good,” she moaned before throwing up all over the carpet.

  The throbbing pain in my dick subsided completely and Angel groaned, her head falling back against the pillows. “She ate too much dessert. I’m going to kill Dad for giving her two more pieces of pie.”

  I dropped a quick kiss on her lips, then jumped off the bed as Heavenleigh did a good Exorcist impression. I crossed to her and pulled her hair back from her face until she was finished. No use in trying to carry her into the bathroom. I’d only spread the mess along the way. When she was done, I lifted her gently into my arms and carried her into the bathroom. Pulling off her nightgown, I ran her a bath and cleaned her up while Angel cleaned up the vomit in the bedroom.

  I reminded myself to call a cleaning service the next day to do the carpets and send the bill to Cole as I tucked my third daughter into bed between me and her mother. As the toddler snuggled against my chest, I reached across the mattress and caught Angel’s hand. She entwined our fingers and gave me a sleepy smile before turning off the light.

  It wasn’t the hot sex I’d hoped for, but I wouldn’t have traded this for anything in the world.

  Chapter Five

  Lana

  I’d never done the crazy Black Friday thing. Not when it was just me and Layla and Lucy. Not when it was just me and Lucy. Especially not when it was just me. Money had been tight back then and I’d still figured it wouldn’t be worth the possibility of getting stabbed for whatever sale I was out of bed at stupid o’clock in search of. So there was no way in hell I was getting out of my nice cozy bed now that I was married to the sex-on-legs rocker who spoiled me rotten every day of the year.

  Instead we all slept in and then I made everyone pancakes for breakfast. After everyone was full, and I was sure Heavenleigh wasn’t going to blow chunks of pancake and eggs everywhere after the lovely vomit-filled night we’d had, we got ready for a day of finding the perfect Christmas tree. It was a tradition Drake and I had started with Nevaeh’s first Christmas. We would get up on Black Friday and find the perfect tree, then spend the rest of the day decorating it.

  With each passing year, with each daughter we were blessed with, this became my favorite time of year more and more. As the girls got older and understood what Christmas meant, it became even more fun. They helped me make homemade decorations to add to the tree and gifts for the rest of our crazy family. What did you get a bunch of rockers who had everything they wanted and could get anything else with t
he flick of their wrists—or Emmie’s? Nothing but sentimental shit, that’s what.

  We spent days at a time making handprints for all the girls’ uncles and aunts to add to their massive collections. The girls all got to wrap them themselves and it was the joy on my daughters’ faces that we all strived for when each family member unwrapped their gifts and saw how much work our kids had put into the gifts and were sincerely thankful for them that made all the hours of crafting worth it. Layla, Emmie, Natalie, Harper and even Dallas did the same thing every year with their kids and it too had become a tradition for our family.

  It took hours to find the right tree because Nevaeh and Arella couldn’t agree on which tree we should have. One wanted tall and slender, while the other wanted short and fat. It was Heavenleigh who finally made the decision for us when she conned us into getting the shabby-looking little one we passed at the back of the tree supplier’s lot. She felt sorry for it because no one else was even looking twice at the poor little tree.

  Drake had looked pleadingly at me when Heavenleigh had started crying big crocodile tears as she looked up at him with those big blue-gray eyes and her trembling bottom lip. I couldn’t hide my grin at him as I nodded my approval at my third daughter—my fourth treasure. “You’re right. I think with all the decorations we have at home we can fill in the gaps. Good choice, baby.”

  Her tears instantly dried up and she clapped her hands together gleefully. Behind me the older two girls groaned but didn’t argue. While Drake went to find the salesman, I saw the way Nevaeh and Arella took a second look at the tree and their hearts turned to mush. My heart filled to nearly busting as I watched them practically coo at the tree like it was a puppy. Drake and I must have been doing something right if they had hearts so kind they would feel compassion for a tree.

  Once we got home, I turned on Christmas music and the six of us spent the rest of the day decorating the tree and the living room. There was no way I was cooking again after the huge meal I’d made the day before, so we ordered pizza and camped out in the living room watching old clay-animated Christmas movies.

  Drake sat at one end of our sectional. I was cuddled against his side with my head on his chest and his arm around my shoulders. Bliss fell asleep on his lap while Arella and Nevaeh helped Heavenleigh string popcorn for the tree, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer played for the second time that evening.

  “I know I say it every year, but this is going to be the best Christmas ever,” I told Drake.

  “Every Christmas with you is the best Christmas ever, Angel.”

  Layla and Jesse dropped the twins off early the next morning. They were going to Paris for two weeks to celebrate their wedding anniversary and I had offered to watch the boys for the first week and Harper and Shane would take them for the second. The girls loved having their cousins in the house, and Bliss had learned quickly that all she had to do was pout her lip and Luca and Lyric would do just about anything for her. I almost felt sorry for them.

  With six kids to watch over and keep entertained, the week flew past in the blink of an eye. I loved having them with us and was sad when I had to drop them off at Harper’s even if she only lived a few miles away. Lyric probably would have stayed with me the rest of his parents’ vacation, but Luca was ready to jump out of my van when I pulled into their driveway on Sunday morning.

  Before I could even get my door opened, the front door of the house was thrown wide and Violet practically threw herself against Luca. I watched as Shane stood behind his daughter, a scowl on his handsome face as he watched her with the boy we all knew would one day be more than just his honorary nephew. It was adorable how close Luca and Violet were, how much they loved each other so freely without the world trying to step in and fuck it all up. It was the love of two best friends that I could see turning into so much more over the coming years.

  Shane didn’t like it though, and it was understandable, but no less funny when his face turned slightly purple as he watched his only daughter kiss Luca on the cheek and then pull him into the house. Lyric, who’d claimed the front seat for the short ride over, was taking his time getting out. I heard him blow out a tired-sounding sigh and glanced at him.

  “You can stay with me if you want to, baby boy,” I offered, knowing that he would feel invisible with Luca and Violet so inseparable when they were with each other.

  He gave me a grim little smile, his eyes so much like his father’s swirling with the mixture of browns. “Thanks, Aunt Lana, but I’ll be okay. Mason will need someone to play with.”

  I reached over and rubbed my hand over his short dark hair. “You’re a good boy, Ric. Don’t ever change.”

  A light pink filled his cheeks with a mixture of pleasure and embarrassment, and I couldn’t help picturing this pre-teen little beast the day he was born. Even for preemies he and Luca had been big, but Lyric had difficulty breathing at first. The doctors had tried to keep the twins apart, but after Jesse had demanded they be put in the same incubator, Lyric had started improving almost instantly. I knew it was because the twins needed each other to thrive, and that it was really why he couldn’t bear to be away from Luca even if he would be more often ignored than not in the few days left until their parents returned.

  I finally got out of the van and Shane came out to help me get the boys’ bags. His scowl had lost some of its fierceness and he even gave me a smile as he bent to kiss my cheek. “Dray and the girls didn’t want to come?”

  I shrugged. “The girls were still asleep when I left. Luca didn’t want to wait for them to get up. Drake said he would call you later. He seemed distracted.”

  He’d been distracted all week, actually. I was worried about him. He hadn’t slept much over the last few days and we had barely had two seconds alone together to talk. He’d gone to two AA meetings. Not something strange for him to do, but he hadn’t been his normal self lately. The night before he hadn’t even come to bed. As soon as I got home I was calling Emmie to see if she knew what was bothering him. If anyone knew what was going on with him, it would be her, surely.

  Shane carried the two cases into the house and I followed him but stopped at the door. “You want a drink? Harper is in her office working, but if you come in she will be forced to forget about work for a few minutes.”

  I shook my head, offering him a smile, but worry for my husband made the smile a little forced. “Nah, I’ll call her. She’s been busy and I don’t want to distract her.”

  A grimace twisted his lips. “Ah, the life of a big-time magazine editor.” But there was a light in his eyes. Pride for his wife shone through and I knew he wouldn’t have wanted her to be anything but busy. I was happy for my brother-in-law. He and Harper had the life they’d always wanted, especially with two kids running around to make life so much more fun. He turned his head and glanced toward the living room. “Yo, brats. Come tell Aunt Lana bye.”

  Four sets of feet came running. Violet gave me a quick hug, told me she loved me and then pulled Luca back the way she’d just come only seconds after he’d done the same. I laughed after them, then hugged Lyric back before dropping down to hug Mason. “Hey there, big guy.”

  I loved each and every one of my nieces and nephews like they were my own, but there was just something about Mason. Maybe it was because he looked so much like Shane—and Drake by default—that he had a slightly bigger part of my heart. I ached for a son who looked just like his father, but that wasn’t likely to ever happen. Drake and I only seemed to be able to produce girls.

  I got a big squeeze from the five-year-old and then he ran after his sister and cousins. Shane rolled his eyes after the kids and grinned down at me. “Sure you don’t want to stay and have some Mase time?”

  I would have loved that, but I needed to get home to Drake and find out what the hell was going on. Even if I had to lock us in our room and not let him out until he talked to me, I would. “Maybe next time.” I let him kiss my cheek again and stepped back. “Love yo
u. Don’t kill Luca.”

  “Can’t make any promises,” he called after me as I headed for the van. “Love you too, sis.”

  The drive home took no time at all, but when I pulled into the driveway I was surprised to find Lucy’s Range Rover parked behind Drake’s truck. I had no idea what my little sister was doing at my house. I’d talked to her just the day before and she’d said nothing about coming over for a visit. Frowning, I grabbed my purse and headed in through the garage.

  I hadn’t seen Lucy since Thanksgiving, but we’d talked almost every day this week. She had sounded more carefree since Layla and Natalie had promised to chill out on the wedding plans. She’d talked to Harris about it and he’d gone ballistic for a day or two. He was just as concerned as the rest of us, more so at times, and just the hint that Lucy was on the edge of harming herself had shot him through the roof with how pissed he’d been with his stepmother and the other two women who were supposed to be helping Lucy, not making it more difficult.

  I’d been gone maybe twenty minutes. Maybe. The house had been quiet when I’d left. All the girls had been asleep and Drake had been in the shower. Now, as I entered my kitchen, it was to find Lucy standing at my stove cooking breakfast for the four girls already seated at the kitchen table. They were still dressed in the pajamas but they looked like they’d been awake for a little while. Lucy must have shown up as soon as I’d left.

  “Hey,” Lucy greeted me with a grin.

  “That smells good,” I told her as I gave her a little squeeze. “I’ll take my eggs over-easy, please.”

  “Yeah, that’s not happening.” She stirred the scrambled eggs and then flipped a row of pancakes on the griddle. “You’re not staying.”

  My brows lifted toward the sky. “I’m not?”

  “Nope.” She turned away from the stove long enough to push me toward the door. “Drake’s getting ready. Hurry up, Lana. He’s sweating bullets.”