Needing The Memories (The Rocker...Novella #1) Read online

  Still confused but too concerned about Drake to take the time and make my sister tell me what the hell was going on, I practically ran through the house and upstairs. When I reached our room and opened the door, it was to find Drake dressed in jeans and a new dress shirt. His hair was pulled back in that damn man-bun that he knew I both loved and hated. Loved because it was sexy as fuck. Hated because I couldn’t run my fingers through his hair.

  His head snapped up when I shut the door behind me and he turned from the two cases that he had set on the bed, both of them full of enough clothes to last us each a few days. His blue-gray eyes were guarded, but there were shadows under them that told me he hadn’t slept much this past week. The strain around his mouth and the way his hands were balled into fists so tight that his knuckles were white had my heart racing.

  “What’s going on?” I wanted to sound strong, confident, but my voice came out weak and more than a little scared.

  He tossed the shirt he’d had in his hands into his case and then crossed the distance that separated us until he was only half a foot away. When he didn’t immediately reach for me, pull me in for the kiss we both wanted, my heart rate went even crazier. He looked nervous—scared. He opened his mouth, seemed to think better of whatever he was going to say, and shook his head before closing it.

  I stood there, waiting, knowing he needed to say whatever was on his mind and needed me to be patient enough to just listen. It was hard to do when I was terrified of what he might say. I hadn’t seen Drake like this in a very long time. That he was acting like this now, after so many years—after how perfect our life was now—was enough to fuck with my head and all kinds of shit was playing through my mind.

  He groaned and reached for my hands. His fingers were icy cold as he clutched mine and the words seemed to be wrenched from him. “I want a do-over.”

  Chapter Six

  Lana

  My pounding heart stopped, all the air in my lungs turning to ice and burning them. I felt the blood drain from my face and felt lightheaded. I started to sway, saw the terror on Drake’s face seconds before he reached for me. I fell against him, unable to breathe, unable to think. Tears filled my eyes and I was helpless to stop them from falling as he pulled me roughly against his chest. He was trembling, but his hands were tight on my waist as he buried his face in my hair.

  A do-over?

  What the hell did that mean? I thought our life was perfect, that he was happy. What had I done wrong? What had I missed?

  “Stop,” Drake whispered in a voice that was rough and gravel-like. “Please don’t cry. This wasn’t what I wanted when I started planning this.”

  “Planning what?” I choked out and pulled away from him.

  None of it was making sense and all my oxygen-deprived brain could think was that he had been planning on leaving me. He’d been so distracted—so distant at times lately. I replayed every second of the last two and a half weeks, from the moment I’d first thought something was wrong until right now. I’d missed something, I knew I had. Why the fuck hadn’t I made the time to confront him and demand to know what was going on?

  I got less than half a step away from him before his hands tightened almost painfully on my waist and he trapped me in place. Blue-gray eyes locked with mine, easily reading all the thoughts in my head. I didn’t know how it was possible, but he paled even more. “No, Angel. No. Fuck, that’s not what I meant. I would never leave you. You are my life. All I am is yours. There’s no way in hell I’d survive even one minute without you by my side.”

  Relief washed over me, making my stiff muscles tremble as one by one they released the tight hold my mind had forced on them. “Then what did you mean? Please, Drake, just tell me what’s going on. Why have you been so distracted? You don’t smile anymore. You didn’t even come to bed last night. Are…” My stomach cramped and my brain protested the words that needed to be said out loud. “Are you drinking?”

  One callused hand cupped my jaw, his thumb rubbing over my cheek, wiping away a few of the tears that had yet to dry. “No, Angel. I’ll admit that the cravings have been worse lately than they have ever been, but I’ve gone to my meetings. I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since I nearly lost you for the second time all those years ago. The numbness it gives me isn’t worth the risk of losing you.”

  Unconsciously I leaned into his touch, needing to be closer to him. His icy fingers had yet to thaw but they helped calm me a little. “Then what?” The words came out a choked whisper. Something was wrong, something was going on in his head. “Please, babe, I’m so scared right now.”

  He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing on it. My heart turned over at how young and innocent that small act was. In that moment I saw him as a scared teenager rather than the forty-five-year-old man he was. I wanted to wipe away the furrow between his brows, kiss away the damage he was doing to his lip. I wanted to go back in time and wipe away every bad thing that still had the power to torture his kind soul.

  “Do you know what today is, Angel?”

  My mind went blank for half a second. Today? It was Sunday. What the hell did today have to do with what was going on?

  “Tomorrow is Jesse and Layla’s wedding anniversary,” he reminded me.

  I still didn’t understand what that had to do with us. “I know that. I just don’t know why that has you acting like you’ve been lately.”

  His fingers bit into my waist but I didn’t think he even realized he was doing it. “Because it’s an anniversary for us too,” he whispered so low I barely heard him.

  “Dray, what…” Then it hit me. Like a wrecking ball swinging at full speed, it hit me right in the middle of the chest, knocking the air out of me. “Oh.”

  “That’s all you have to say about it?” His eyes narrowed. “Doesn’t it eat at you? Our first time together happened fourteen years ago today, Angel, and I don’t remember anything about it. Not one minute. We lost each other because of what happened the next day. Because of what I did…” His breath hitched and I felt a shudder move through him.

  My shoulders lifted in a shrug. “That was a long time ago. I’ve put it behind me.” It was the truth. I’d forgiven him for what had happened. It didn’t matter to me that he couldn’t remember our first time together. I’ll admit that in the beginning it had been like a stab to the heart every time I would think about what had happened and everything that had followed that fateful night. But I’d learned quickly that for us to be truly happy together and have the chance to live our life to its full potential, I had to let it go. Over the years it had faded from my mind. I hadn’t thought about our rocky beginning in years. There was no point.

  He released me so fast I nearly stumbled back, but he didn’t seem to notice as he walked across the bedroom. He turned to face me, his face twisted with a mixture of pain, shame, and anger. “Well, I can’t put it behind me, Angel. I can’t stop thinking about what I lost—what we lost. And what kills me even more is how I stole something precious from you. Every year it eats at me, driving me toward the edge of insanity. That’s why I’ve had so many cravings lately. I can’t block it out and if I don’t do something to fix this I don’t know what will happen next year.”

  My heart twisted in pain for him. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

  His shoulders sagged, his eyes going to the wall behind me rather than meet my gaze. “Because I was scared to bring it up. Scared to remind you. Scared that you would realize exactly how much I stole from you and hate me for it all over again.”

  I took a step toward him, watched as he tensed, but kept moving until I was right in front of him, only a few inches separating us. I lifted my hands, my engagement and wedding rings flashing in the overhead light reminding me of why I’d put the past behind us. Those rings bound us in matrimony, but it was our hearts that would always be linked for eternity. Linking my fingers behind his neck, I pulled his head down so that we could only see each other’s eye
s, blocking out the rest of the world. “I have never hated you. Never. And you have made that time up to me again and again. We have each other. We have our girls—your little army of angels. Our life is perfect and there is nothing I would change about how we got to this point. Nothing.”

  I heard him swallow hard, watched as the tears filled those eyes that I loved so dearly. “You’re right. Our life is perfect, Angel. But there is one thing I would change. I need to remember that night when everything changed. I need you to give me a do-over. Please, give me memories to replace the ones that are just a blank nothingness in my head.”

  “If that’s what you need, of course I will.”

  He let out a relieved exhale and pressed his forehead against mine. “Thank you.” His lips grazed across mine in a tease of a kiss. “I swear you won’t regret it.”

  Chapter Seven

  Drake

  The hard part was over. She was going to give me the do-over I was so desperate for, but, fuck, she’d nearly had me on my knees when she’d first thought I was asking for something different. Hell. I’d butchered my explanation and had nearly changed my mind. But I knew I wouldn’t survive the following year when this shit invaded my sanity and tried to pull me down into that empty abyss that haunted my dreams.

  My nervousness had started to fade, the shaking in my hands had stopped except for the occasional tremor. I rushed Angel through saying goodbye to the girls and practically had to drag her away from Lucy as the limo pulled up in front of the house. With Emmie and Lucy’s help I’d planned every last detail out. I was going to make this day something neither one of us ever forgot. We weren’t going anywhere exotic or even out of state. The whole point was to revisit our past and recreate something special.

  The driver already had the back door open and I helped my wife inside before waving at Lucy and the girls standing in the doorway watching us. When I got in beside her, she already had the bouquet of flowers in her hands, her face alight with pleasure. There were white roses mixed with a slew of tie-dyed ones that were a soft blue and purple. She ran a finger over the soft petals and gave me a beaming smile.

  “These are beautiful.” She gave me a quick kiss as I settled in next to her and the driver closed the door. “Remember the bouquet for our wedding? I loved those red roses with the black edges that the florist mixed in with the white ones. I still have a few petals in our wedding album.”

  “You took my breath away in your wedding dress, Angel.” I’d been scared out of my mind that she was going to change her mind at the last minute and not marry me. That she would remember all the shit I’d put her through during that year and realize she was better off without me. When I’d seen her at the end of the aisle, smiling like she was the happiest woman in the world, looking like the angel she was, I’d nearly fallen at her feet.

  She smelled the roses again, then leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder as the driver pulled away from the house. “I love you.”

  Like it always did when I heard those three little words leave her lips, my heart stopped for two beats and I thanked all of Emmie’s gods for sending me this woman. “I love you, too.”

  Our first stop didn’t take us far. The driver pulled to a stop in the park where I’d taken Angel after our first date. Back then she’d only been seventeen, so I’d refused to call it a date. But it had been the first of many nights out together. That night we’d gone to a little Greek place and then we’d driven out here and sat on the swings, just talking. I hadn’t wanted that night to end.

  The park was deserted except for the occasional jogger since it was Sunday morning. By that afternoon the playground would be crawling with families out playing with their kids. The driver opened my door and I got out. I offered her my hand and she took it, a happy smile on her face as she glanced over at the swings.

  Entwining our fingers, we walked across the playground and sat in the swings just like we did all those years ago. The air was chilly and we’d dressed for that, but I doubted I would have felt it even if I’d been in nothing more than a pair of basketball shorts. My eyes were locked on Angel as she rocked back and forth in the swing, our hands still linked. She threw her head back, her long dark hair falling past her waist as she laughed up at the cloudless sky.

  “That night, I knew I loved you,” she said with another happy laugh. “I’d only known you a week, but time didn’t matter.” She straightened and turned her head, giving me that mysteriously beautiful smile I ached to perfect on paper. “I knew in that moment I would love you to the end of time. I never dreamed that you’d love me back.”

  I lifted our joined hands and kissed her fingers. “Always, Angel. Always. That night was perfect.”

  She pulled her hair over her shoulder with her free hand before leaning her head against the cold chains of the swing. A sly grin caressed her lips. “We had our first fight the next day.”

  I snorted. “You can still be a stubborn little bitch at times.”

  Her grin turned wicked. “Would you want it any other way, babe?”

  Leaning forward, I brushed a soft kiss over her cheek. “No. Life would be too boring. I love you just the way you are.”

  We sat there for a long while, just laughing and enjoying the alone time. This visit down memory lane was reminding me just how much fun we’d had together in the beginning. It was still like that. No matter how crazy life got, we still made time for moments like this.

  It was only when parents started showing up with their kids that we left. I wrapped my arm around Angel’s waist as we walked back to the waiting limo. Back in the vehicle, she cuddled close, her head once again going to my chest. Our next stop was more of a drive, but neither one of us noticed the distance or the time that went by as we savored every second of just holding on to each other.

  We didn’t kiss, didn’t touch each other in any sexual way, yet our time in the back seat of that limo was intimate and had my heart racing double time. No words were spoken, but we didn’t need them right then. Our minds were on each other; on the good times we’d shared together.

  The limo stopped outside a little Italian restaurant. The parking lot was empty except for the owner’s car. This place wasn’t normally open on Sundays, but Emmie had given them a little incentive to let me use it for an hour or so today. As we stepped into the little place, the scents of tomato sauce and garlic filled our noses and Angel gave a hungry sigh.

  The owner came out of the kitchen as the door shut behind us, a welcoming smile on his face. “Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson. Your table is already set for you.”

  My angel gave me a questioning look but I only grinned. Taking her hand, I pulled her with me as we followed the man to the back of the restaurant, right to the table we’d used the first time we’d eaten here. The man left after promising to bring our food right out.

  “Is this the place we had dinner with Shane after Layla’s car broke down on me that first time?” I nodded and her face softened. “I’d almost forgotten about this place. They make the best chicken parmesan.”

  Moments later the man appeared with our food. The chicken parmesan for her and a triple trio for me. Tears filled Angel’s eyes and the owner quickly made himself scarce. I reached for her hands. “Why are you crying?” I asked around the lump that had filled my throat at the first sign of those tears that were like acid on my heart.

  She laughed, shaking her head as a few more tears escaped her whiskey-colored eyes. “I’m sorry. This is just so sweet. I love it, Dray. Thank you for remembering.”

  My fingers contracted around her hands. “I remember everything about our life together. Everything from how you blushed the first time I laid eyes on you to the sweat dripping down your forehead when you pushed our daughters into this world. The only thing I don’t remember we’re creating new memories for us both to share. That’s what this day is about.”

  She pulled one hand free to wipe her eyes. “They’re beautiful memories, babe.” br />
  I tugged on her hand and she came out of her chair then, down onto my lap. I cupped her face, tilting it up so I could brush a soft kiss over her lips. “This is only the beginning.”

  The tears quickly dried up as we ate our lunch. We talked about random things. As if by silent agreement we didn’t bring up the girls or anything else that would normally happen in our day-to-day lives. Her laughter was infectious. Every time I heard it my heart lifted and all the shit that had been rolling around in my head lately disappeared.

  The day wasn’t close to being over yet, but I was already feeling better. It wasn’t so much about sex, but simply creating good memories, just like I’d told her. Having this day with Angel was calming my demons, bringing me the peace that she—and only she—had ever given me.

  After lunch we went to our hotel. The Mondrian was in West Hollywood and supposedly one of the most romantic hotels in L.A. I had to take Emmie’s word on that because I didn’t know shit about those kind of things. It only took a few minutes to check in, and we went straight up to our room.

  The penthouse was fifteen-hundred square feet and perfect for what I had planned for tonight. The room was laid out with a dining room, living room and then the bedroom with a connecting bathroom that had a spa bathtub big enough for six and a huge walk-in shower. The balcony overlooked the city, which would be all lit up come nightfall, as well as a heated pool. I was going to take advantage of every amenity provided by this room and give my wife a night neither one of us would ever forget.

  As soon as the bellman left, Lana jumped into my arms, kissing every inch of my face but avoiding my mouth. I grasped her ass, holding her in place as her legs wrapped tightly around my waist. “You’re my favorite person in the world—you know that, right?”

  “Back at you, Angel.” I walked out onto the balcony with her still in my arms.